Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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