she kept yelling 'call me bella'
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
