you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
