So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
