I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
