Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
