who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
