Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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