this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
