I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
