my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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