Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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