I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
