Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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