my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
