From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
