can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
