Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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