Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
