the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
