My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
