i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
