just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
