i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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