Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
