I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
