i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
