Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
