I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
