I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
