I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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