My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
