i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
