I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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