I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
