Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
