hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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