Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
