I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
