Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
