Whod you bang
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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