i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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