Soap is not a condiment
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
