so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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