You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Found your dick twin last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
