she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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