Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
