The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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