My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
