i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
