I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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