I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
