Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
