Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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