so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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