There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
