There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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